Uncultured Hybrid

"Blood relatives often have nothing to do with family, and similarly, a family is about who you choose to make your life with"  Oliver Hudson We grow up thinking that our relatives are our family but it is only when one comes to understand the difference between the two words that one realizes that your relatives don't automatically become your family. When I was younger I always resented the word family as well as the idea of family. When I was in college I wrote a paper entitled 'Relatives vs Family'. In the paper, I redefined those words for myself. Relatives for me are the people with whom you share DNA and ancestry, you don't get to choose who you share blood with. Family, on the other hand, are the people you choose to be a part of your life. My own relatives influenced me to discard the idea of ever getting married or having kids. I always tell myself that I don't want to bring children into this world so they won't have to go th...

So in the last post, you read about the ups and downs of my life from being great in primary schools, to barely making it through high, to glorious days in college and ending as a failure. It has been quite a roller coaster, I don't know where life will lead me next because I am reaching the end of another chapter (post-grad) and I have to decide on my next chapter. So many options, so many dreams. Anyways let's get back to where we ended. So there was I, laying on my bed waiting to take my last breath and stop wasting a life. My favourite bible verse "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lors, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 did not make any sense to me at this point. "Lord, how are these plans to prosper me? I don't feel prosperous, I have lost all hope and I definitely see no future. What do you want from me? You won't let me die but I can't live like this!" He rema...

So it has been three days since my last post. I was having second thoughts about my next few posts because I will be digging deep and will really have to open up about things I would rather keep to myself. Also like I said in my last post, some of them may be a bit dark and I wasn't sure how you guys would feel about it. Here it goes. "Failure is not achieving your goals or the desired outcome" Everybody has failed once or a few times in their lives but let's face it, nobody likes to fail.  You don't like that feeling you get when you fail your test, exam or semester. Or when your boss tells you that you didn't get the promotion. That feeling eats you up inside when you don't get the job you have been looking for. Yeah, it's a terrible feeling. That feeling makes you avoid the mirror because you trying to avoid hearing the word worthless. After failing often people believe that they are not good enough and sometimes tears roll down your e...

Today I decided to post a poem that I wrote a while back. The next few blogs will be a bit on the dark side but that's because we can also learn from our dark moments. I told you guys that I express myself better when I write. Life is my inspiration when I write. I don't just get inspired by my own experiences but also by the experiences of others. This specific poem was inspired by my own experience. I was at a stage in my life where walls were really strong, emotions heightened and boys wanting to be more than friends. It was really difficult for me to hear someone tell me that they found me attractive or to believe that they were interested in me. I was very doubtful and super suspicious of anyone that approached. It's not like I had been hurt by a guy before, it was just my low self-esteem and insecurities making me uncertain.  Wrote this just after a guy told me how he would like to get to know me better. I had already interrogated him to try and under...

"Everybody and anybody who has been hurt or heartbroken before tends to build walls and keep their guards up." It is okay to want to protect yourself after getting hurt or heartbroken. After a person you trusted disappoints you it is difficult to allow other people into your life because you are afraid of getting hurt again. After a break up you are prone to build walls so no one has the opportunity to break you. We have a lot of broken adults, carrying around traumas from their childhood that they are not even aware of. These traumas cause people to build walls as strong as The Great Wall of China. We have people walking around too afraid to let people in that they would rather chase them away or call themselves antisocial.  I am fortunately or unfortunately (depending on how you look at it) one of these people. I am carrying around traumas from my childhood that deprive me of allowing people into my life. I have serious trust issues, severe inability to open up t...