Failure Part I

So it has been three days since my last post. I was having second thoughts about my next few posts because I will be digging deep and will really have to open up about things I would rather keep to myself. Also like I said in my last post, some of them may be a bit dark and I wasn't sure how you guys would feel about it. Here it goes.

"Failure is not achieving your goals or the desired outcome"

Everybody has failed once or a few times in their lives but let's face it, nobody likes to fail.  You don't like that feeling you get when you fail your test, exam or semester. Or when your boss tells you that you didn't get the promotion. That feeling eats you up inside when you don't get the job you have been looking for. Yeah, it's a terrible feeling. That feeling makes you avoid the mirror because you trying to avoid hearing the word worthless.

After failing often people believe that they are not good enough and sometimes tears roll down your eyes because you just can't take it anymore. For a few people, all those negative emotions and things happening in their surroundings make them lose the desire to live. It is difficult when you have lost the desire to live because you feel you have no purpose. 

I deem myself as a hard-working, passionate, dedicated and goal-driven person. I was a top student in primary school but puberty hit me and I became an angry teen that really didn't care about life. I was convinced that I had no purpose. My grades weren't so great in high school (yeah, hard to believe if you see me now), the only thing I liked about high school was creative writing in the English class and reading in the library. I almost failed grade 11 but God sent a breakthrough, all I had to do was drop pure maths and start maths literacy in matric (grade 12). That wasn't a train smash, I really didn't need pure maths to be a journalist. After reading a few books on goals, success, and motivation I told myself that I want to be successful. I became obsessed with being successful, I no longer wanted to be a mediocre teenager with no purpose in life. So I decided to take control.

In college, I worked hard to be a top student, I was very involved with college activities. A few of the things I got involved with were working as a presenter at SID Media (ope Channel Africa), a production assistant for the same company, I served in different leadership capacities (Student Representative Council, Faculty Council, Church, etc.). Whenever I was asked to do something I said "yes". One lecturer actually told me "Erica, you need to learn to say no. You are too busy my girl." I just couldn't say "no". I was in the process of building my CV and becoming the best. I believed that I could achieve anything.

Every chapter in our lives has to end in order for us to start a new chapter and that is exactly what was happening to me. Graduation was fast approaching and it was time for me to make a decision about the next chapter. Remember earlier I mentioned that I took control, yeah I thought I was in control. I believed that I was qualified and stood out to get any job I applied for. After a few months of applying for jobs without any success, I decide to maybe consider doing a post-grad degree. I got accepted and that is what I am currently doing but I continued with the job hunt.

After graduation, I was sure that I would land a job in less than two months. After all, I graduated cum laude, I had a six-month internship in marketing, I saw myself as the candidate every employer was looking for. After a few months of no success, I began to lose confidence in myself, hope in God and faith in His plans. "What exactly is Your plan????" I questioned HIm. I managed to get rehired by a tutoring company I had worked for before college but I wasn't getting any clients and my financials were not looking good.

In May 2018, when my evening classes had ended and I had to be studying for my exam, I was at my lowest and I was showing signs of depression. I cut people out, spent my days in bed, barely ate (I love food, so that is a shocker), I was just waiting to perish. "Take Your breath that sustains me, Lord. I no longer want to live." that's what I told Him. I was done struggling and couldn't understand why such a hard-working and promising person couldn't land a simple job.

I was convinced that I was such a failure, I couldn't accept myself as a failure and I didn't want other people to accept me either. I was at the bottom of the pit, pitying myself and truly disappointed at what I had become - A FAILURE.