Blood VS Bond

"Blood relatives often have nothing to do with family, and similarly, a family is about who you choose to make your life with" 

Oliver Hudson

We grow up thinking that our relatives are our family but it is only when one comes to understand the difference between the two words that one realizes that your relatives don't automatically become your family. When I was younger I always resented the word family as well as the idea of family. When I was in college I wrote a paper entitled 'Relatives vs Family'. In the paper, I redefined those words for myself. Relatives for me are the people with whom you share DNA and ancestry, you don't get to choose who you share blood with. Family, on the other hand, are the people you choose to be a part of your life. My own relatives influenced me to discard the idea of ever getting married or having kids. I always tell myself that I don't want to bring children into this world so they won't have to go through what I went through.

Let me give you some context. My biological parents got together and had me, apart from me they each had their own kids with other partners. They died when I was an infant. I never met my paternal side of the family but I grew up with my maternal side of the family. From what I heard I was tossed around a lot, I had fragile health (there will be a post about my fragile health) until my aunt (maternal) took me in and started taking care of me. My half-siblings never really cared about me, so I grew up knowing of them but never having a relationship with them (you see where my relational issues start?). My relationship with my new 'family wasn't great either, I always knew those weren't my biological parents and that my cousins were what I had for siblings. I never really felt like I belonged. I've told you that I had low-self esteem, many insecurities, I was teased and bullied and I just had no ground to stand on. I grew up questioning my existence and desiring death.

I asked God "You took my parents so why did you spare me?" They say blood is thicker than water and that may be the case when referring to actual blood and water but not necessarily true when relatives and friends are involved. We can't choose whose blood we carry in our veins but that does not mean that we have to endure the pain of being related to certain people. Relatives are meant to be your anchors, your support, the first agents of socialization and the people who help you survive in this world. By survive I don't just mean financially, I mean emotionally and mentally. This doesn't happen with all relatives. Some relatives will live their lives to destroy you, they will do and say things that break you and then wonder what happened when you turn out to be a broken and distant adult.

My uncle worked abroad and he wanted a better life and better opportunities for his wife and kids. That's when we moved to South Africa, the move meant that we would leave the extended relatives  (grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins) behind. Being far away from them did not allow me to have a bond with them (it's true when they say that long-distance relationships don't work). They definitely don't work for me because my love languages (I will talk about this in-depth in another blog) are quality time and touch. So since I wasn't spending quality time with those relatives they became a distant memory. Like I said my uncle worked abroad, I didn't spend quality time with him either so I never really created a bond with him either. He would visit us for the holidays but there was no quality time that we spent building a relationship. As much as I spent time with my aunt and cousins, our relationship was based on fear so there was no space to build any trust (where my trust issues come from) or actual relationship.

So I grew up not having anybody to go home to and open up knowing that my secrets will be safe. I was often envious of other people's relatives and lifestyles. I became suspicious of all, trusted nobody and was not willing to let anybody into my life to avoid getting hurt. Some time ago I came across this quote:

"So you can't choose your relatives, but you can choose to not answer their calls, not invite them to any occasion and you can forget they exist." 

At the time that made a lot of sense because all I wanted was peace of mind and if that is what it took to get it I was willing to pay the price. 

Along the way, while struggling with relationships at home, I met amazing people who showed me the things I was always envious of. They gave me the support I never got, did not compare me to anybody else, they loved me for who I was and showed me that there are people I can trust. They showed me that not everybody is going to hurt me or shine a light on my weaknesses. I met amazing people who I could call family. They helped me change my perspective on marriage and family. The relationship with these people is not smooth but at least we give each other space to be hurt, to heal and to share how we felt without being undermined. 

I remember one year in undergrad I had an argument with a friend, we both said things that were hurtful and we went our separate ways. While I was in my room I couldn't stop thinking about what she had said to me and how I didn't like it. I was battling whether to tell her or to just let it go in order to preserve the friendship. After a few hours, while I was still in my bed with this battle on my mind, I heard a knock on my door. It was my friend she told me how she felt and how she didn't like a few things I said, I did the same, we apologized and everything was sorted. That's how my relationship with all my friends is; open, honest and real. With my relatives though, I can barely say anything without being scared that I will offend somebody or be misinterpreted. 

With the family I have chosen there is no guilt, no feeling indebted or scared. I am really grateful for everything that was done for me and for where I am in life now, I can't help the feeling of being indebted. I just feel the urge to work hard so I can payback. In every relationship, there is respect that is earned. I respect my relatives out of fear but I respect my family out of love. 

Many people go about life wishing that they were born into a different family because they are not happy with their own. Some people have said, "I wish I could choose my family!" The good news is that you can! "You can't choose your relatives but you can choose your family." Family is people that want you in their lives as much you want them in yours, people that accept you for who you are (no need for filters), people that would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what (unconditionally). People who won't leave or threaten to chase you when you do something they don't like. Choose a family that you can go to when you want to cry, who will listen to you when you want to speak, people who know that you are not okay even though you say you are fine when you are not. Choose peace of mind.

God may have given us all relatives but He knows that we need more than that, so He allows us to choose our family. There are no chains that bind you to the family you choose, but blood keeps you linked to your relatives. If your relatives rob you of your right to be happy choose your family wisely!