Walls & Guards

"Everybody and anybody who has been hurt or heartbroken before tends to build walls and keep their guards up."

It is okay to want to protect yourself after getting hurt or heartbroken. After a person you trusted disappoints you it is difficult to allow other people into your life because you are afraid of getting hurt again. After a break up you are prone to build walls so no one has the opportunity to break you. We have a lot of broken adults, carrying around traumas from their childhood that they are not even aware of. These traumas cause people to build walls as strong as The Great Wall of China. We have people walking around too afraid to let people in that they would rather chase them away or call themselves antisocial. 

I am fortunately or unfortunately (depending on how you look at it) one of these people. I am carrying around traumas from my childhood that deprive me of allowing people into my life. I have serious trust issues, severe inability to open up to people and the inability to give people the benefit of the doubt. This has both been beneficial and detrimental to me. It has benefitted me in the sense that I have become very selective with the people I associate myself with and in choosing boyfriends. Only the most persistent and patient people make it to my friend list. It has been detrimental because I tend to push people away and really not put any effort into salvaging a relationship. I am afraid of losing people, so I would rather not get too close so it doesn't hurt that much when they are gone. I am always afraid of getting hurt. 

I was speaking to a friend of mine the other day. I must commend this friend of mine because he has been through a lot with me and he still stuck around. Anyways he was telling me how we have been friends for a while and he is still figuring me out because I am not an open book and I don't easily let people in. I told him that the reason I don't open up is that I am afraid of getting hurt. He asked if he had ever hurt me and I said no. He asked if he had ever shown any signs that he will hurt me and I said no. What he said next really touched me and got me thinking. He said "I care about you and I really want you to know that you can always talk to me. I have your back. You don't have to keep your walls up with me." The reason it touched me was that there is so much I would like to share with him and often I have conversations with him in my head, but when the time comes for me to actually talk to him fear takes over and my brain freezes. I honestly don't know why but I hate it. I really just wish I could open up to him.

Many people react differently and protect themselves in different ways. The act of protecting oneself is not a bad thing, what is bad is the extreme to which people protect themselves. Here are a few ways I have observed that people use to protect themselves:

1. Antisocial - These people completely avoid any social events or human interaction. 
2. Secretive socialite - These people are very social and open about general things. They keep their private lives a secret.
3. Selective story - These people are selective about what they share and with whom they share it with.
4. Macho - These people only share positive things about their lives. 

Sometimes these people are labeled weird but they are just broken people trying to keep the broken pieces together. You will never really understand why unless you pick up the little broken pieces that occasionally slip through conversation, their actions or their absence. Some people may say "snap out of it" or "get over yourself" if it were that easy we would just snap out of it.

The unfortunate thing about protecting yourself is that sometimes you are so determined to keep people out that you get hurt because you lose someone that you really wanted in your life. Taking risks can be scary but there comes a point when taking risks may be your best option. Sometimes people build walls because they feel they are not good enough to be loved, cared for or even noticed. They just want to go through life unnoticed. Whenever somebody shows a little affection doubt sinks in. You begin to question the persons' intentions and wonder what you have to offer them.  Here are a few ways that I have found useful for me to put my guard down and build some windows and doors on the wall:

1. Find out what is the best way for you to express yourself. I express myself better when I write, so whenever I want to tell my friend (mentioned above) something that I won't be able to say out loud I write him a message or email. If you express yourself through music, write a song. If it's through movies, make a video. Just learn to express yourself in the best way that works for you.
2. If you are scared or doubtful ask yourself why. If you can't find a reason tell yourself that your past is holding you back.
3. Remember that you are worth it. There is something in you that people will love. You are as worthy as any other person.
4. Not everybody wants something from you. Some people are capable of loving and caring unconditionally. 
5. You will get hurt but how you deal with it is what matters. In this game of 'survival of the fittest,' even the lion leaves with some scars. Just be ready to heal and get back to the battle. 
6. You are human and you are not perfect. Not everybody will love who you are, you need to love yourself and stop blaming and resenting yourself for the things that happened to you in the past. The past is best left in the past just carry your lessons with you.

By the way, some people build walls unconsciously. They are truly not aware of the guards they have put up. These people need time to realize that they have built walls and to understand why they have built them. 

It's always good to protect yourself just don't shut people out to the point where you are left completely alone and lonely.