Replacement

"A deeper look within helps one understand themselves in order to create change."

Erica Mateus

Through my process of recovery and healing, I had to do a lot of introspection and peel off a lot of things that were holding me back. Sometime in 2020, I was seating on a bus and trying to understand why I was so overprotective of my things. I need to tell you a story in order for you guys to have an idea of what I mean. 

"Which mug can I take for myself?" my friend asked in a playful way.

"Please don't touch any of my mugs!" I responded in a very hostile way. I had two mugs at the time and I would be fine using just one mug.

I have always known I was possessive but that day I realized how possessive I was about my things. I didn't really understand why I was so overprotective of my belongings. Let me give you another example. My laptop had finally given up on me after giving me several signs that it needed to be repaired. When I went to the repair shop to get it checked out the guy said to me that it would be cheaper for me to buy another laptop than to repair the one that was broken. Any wise person would go for the cheapest option but not me. I kept thinking of all the things that were on my laptop. I had had that laptop for 6 years and I wasn't ready to let go of all the things that were in it. I couldn't bear the thought of just letting everything go.

So I had to ask myself why I couldn't let go of my laptop. Why would I rather cling to the things that were on that laptop or cling to other things that I have? I had to be honest with myself and I didn't like my honest answer. I cling to things to fill the void I have from my detachment from people. What do you mean, Erica? You may be asking. Okay, let's take a few steps back. With the loss of my parents, my biological siblings not caring about me, not feeling like I belonged with my family and so many other things I had this fear of losing people. In order to protect me from the feeling of loss and rejection, I began to avoid getting 100% involved in any form of relationship. I was afraid to be vulnerable around people and so many times I detached myself from people once they were no longer part of my day-to-day life. I didn't keep in touch with any of my friends from primary school or high school. When I left for college, in Somerset West, I didn't maintain any relationship with my church friends in Pretoria. I had created a vicious cycle of running away and just letting go. 

To be honest with you I didn't even stay in touch with my family when I was in college. So often I blame it on the fact that one of my strongest love languages is quality time. The problem is that I don't make time, I would rather make an excuse than make time for people. As I type I can't even remember the few times I stayed in touch with my college friends. My excuse, we are all busy and I don't want to bother anybody. I have let the fear of losing people take control of my relationships, so I would rather keep the strings short to avoid disappointment and heartache. Pushing people away or maintaining a distance is okay for me when I am busy but on days or months when I have too much time in my hands I sometimes long for a strong connection. I begin to envy the relationships that other people have with their families and friends but the thought of getting close to anybody frightens me. 

So I would rather be attached to my belongings than people. It is mind-blowing that I use things to fill in the gaps of people in my life. Thinking back at how hostile I was with my friend over a mug was a wake-up call. I am not a materialistic person but I love my things. This helped me acknowledge that I still have a lot of work to do on myself. There is a lot I need to change and overcome. The thing I like about things is that I have control over them and things will never leave me. I can break a mug or a plate, lose my phone or laptop but none of these can ever decide to leave me. They can easily be replaced if I lose them. People on the other hand can just wake up someday and decide to leave. My head always spins with thoughts such as I don't know how long this friendship will last, I don't know when you will stop caring about me. I don't know if something I do will make you turn your back on me.

Being aware of our problems and fears helps us begin the process of overcoming them. I don't have a solution on how to let go of my fear of losing people and give relationships a chance. I am still struggling to begin or mend my relationship with my family. Truthfully, I haven't given it much try because I have accepted that most days I am okay without it. A friend of mine said to me recently that I need to start my own family. Maybe that will be the solution to my relationship fiasco. In order to start a family, I need to allow myself to be vulnerable and start a relationship. 

If you are in the same position as me or struggling to keep good relationships you need to be honest with yourself and identify your problem. That is step one. If you are using other things to replace and fill the void. You need to understand that those things don't last forever. I replace my void with material things. I know some people drink, do drugs, have a trail of failed relationships. These things give us temporary measures. I am still looking for a solution to my problems, I am working on myself and doing my best to try and build stronger and healthier relationships. It's time to take a stand,, make the decision to change and heal. Don't fear people leaving your life. Lots of people will leave but there are so many that will stay. Learn to focus and appreciate those who stay, the ones who don't give up no matter how much you push them away.