Human

"I am human, and I will make mistakes!"

When I first thought of writing the blog post, I wanted to title it Mistakes, Guilt, and Forgiveness, but as I was thinking about it today, I realized that we make mistakes because we are human. Alright, before I get to the end, let me go back to what inspired me to write this blog. So ever since I left home to start my journey of independence I had been feeling guilty for all the mistakes I made, I wanted to ask for forgiveness, but my guilt led me to believe that I did not deserve forgiveness. Let's break this down and discuss each point separately.

You might know by now that because you are human, you will continuously make mistakes. If you did not know before this, I am glad that I could enlighten you. It is unfortunate, in our human nature to make mistakes, hurt others (intentionally or unintentionally), and to be imperfect. So often we are afraid to admit that we make mistakes because we have such high expectations for ourselves or other people have high hopes for us. In the attempt to live up to expectations, we beat ourselves down when we make mistakes and force ourselves to believe that we do not deserve forgiveness. I am speaking from personal experience. Sometimes we have such high expectations because we are seeking validation, and no matter how many good things we do, we never get that validation from the people you want it the most.

In the past two years, I think I made the most mistakes, or I was just more aware of my mistakes. They were big mistakes; I guess the older we get, the bigger the mistakes we make. My mistakes caused me to always be fighting with people, distancing myself from people, it got me thinking I was the dumbest person in the world and breaking the little trust (if there was ever any) my mom had in me. The way I handled things was a mere reaction to how other people dealt with the situation when they were aware of my mistakes. Sometimes people won't understand that you are human. They will judge you, condemn you, and make you feel like the worst person in the world, and that is where the guilt comes in.

The thing about guilt is that it keeps you focused on your mistakes, and you either accept that you have done something wrong and ask for forgiveness, or you deem yourself unforgivable. If you admit your mistake and ask for forgiveness, you will either be forgiven, or the person who has been hurt or affected may not be ready to forgive yet. You can move on with your life because you have done your part, but if you are the kind of person that needs to be overlooked to move on, the guilt will stay with you until the other person forgives you. 

Now, if you are the person that deems themselves unforgivable. What happens is that you will keep feeling guilty, and you may even want to ask for forgiveness, but you won't. Some people may perceive this as pride, and sometimes it may be, but sometimes it is not. It has more to do with the feeling of shame. You are so ashamed of what you did that you can't face the other person. You genuinely believe that your mistake is unforgivable and that you don't deserve so much mercy. The thing is that you need to realize that you are human and that you will make mistakes, and no matter how big that mistake, you deserve to be forgiven. Like everything, it doesn't happen overnight.

For a long time, I believed that I did not deserve forgiveness. I felt so guilty that I could not forgive myself. I thought that this time I had gone too far. Don't get me wrong; I was never perfect, and I have made many mistakes, and I had apologized many times also. There was a time that I had done something again, and I asked for forgiveness, and the response I got really shut me down and did not want to ever ask this particular person for forgiveness again. Anyways this person said to me, "You are always the same, you do something wrong, and you are so proud that you can't see your mistakes, then you come with your fake and ingenuine apologies. Why can't you just change stop making mistakes stop being proud!" Those words and the tone of voice made me think, 'Wow, I am genuinely apologizing, and you think all my apologies are fake, sorry for being such a disappointment and for being so far from perfection.' 

That day I decided that I will stop apologizing because this person will just think it is another fake apology, so what's the point. The problem with this is that every time I did something wrong, I felt terrible, and I really wanted to apologize, but I knew my apology wouldn't be well received. In March, a friend invited me to join an e-discussion, and the topic was Forgiveness, Repentance, and Reconciliation those discussions helped me realize that I need to admit my mistakes, forgive myself, accept God's forgiveness and then ask for forgiveness from those who my mistakes impacted. 

Once you reach a point where you are ready to ask for forgiveness, you need to prepare yourself for two outcomes. Being forgiven or not being overlooked. Forgiveness is a two-way street that involves two or more people that are hurting. The person that needs forgiveness has been hurting as much as the person that needs to forgive. They may be different types of pain, but it is a pain nonetheless. Often we don't understand people's pain and needs because we are so consumed by our own grief and needs. The goal of forgiveness is to lead to reconciliation. 

Reconciliation doesn't necessarily mean that the relationship will be restored and everything will go back to how it was before everything burned down. It merely means that both of you are willing to let go of the pain, the guilt, the grudge, and all the negative feelings that you have attached to that person. It is acknowledging that the next person is as human as you and that they will make more mistakes, hurt you more, and disappoint you several times. Reconciliation is learning to love the person despite their imperfections, learning to accept this person, and committing to support and help this person in their journey of becoming better. 

We are human, we make mistakes, and it can be hard to ask for forgiveness and to forgive, but trust reconciliation is like that piece of birthday you have been waiting for for so long. 

Satisfying!!!