Single and Not Ready to Mingle

"You shouldn't be looking for love when you are single. Rather use the time to work on yourself and grow as an individual."

For the past three years, I have heard this question so many times that I no longer have an answer to it. In the beginning, I would tell people that I had just gotten out of a serious long term relationship and I needed time to heal and recover (You can read about this on my blog Recovery). Once I had recovered I realised that I really just didn't want to be in a relationship but it just seemed like guys were not on the same page as me. It seemed like they were just flocking to "get me off the market". What many of these guys didn't know was that I was super insecure and felt that I did not deserve to be loved. 

For those of you who have read some of my other blogs, you will know how I struggled with my self-esteem. I felt so worthless for so many years that I really believed that nobody will ever love/ like me. So when I eventually started having coming at me and saying all those sweet nothings I truly believed that they were mocking me. They probably just wanted to make a joke out of me. I still remember clearly when the first guys approached. I was so surprised because he was really attractive and in my mind, he was so out of my league. So my mind was boggled when he said that he was interested in me. "Me! Are you sure? I mean look at me! Is this a joke?" The guy was so shocked but nonetheless, he continued to pursue but eventually gave up. That's when I learned that insecurity is not attractive. 

Anyways, I was sure I was missing anything. Although my eyes had opened to the attractiveness of guys my heart was not awakened to emotions of liking someone. I was just too busy trying to hide my flaws that I couldn't let myself see in me what others saw in me. This is not the high school flings and crushes that people have. I was just a girl who was not in the dating mindset. For a long time, I let my insecurities take control of my life. I completely shut down a part of my life that I felt was an impossibility. Soon my insecurities also began to affect my friends. I never really allowed myself to get too close to people. I was always afraid that if I let people into my life completely that they were going to hurt me. When I went o college I allowed myself to open up to the possibility of a relationship. I must confess something that I never talk about. In 2010, I went to Angola for the December holidays and I had a holiday romance. The cat is out of the bag and the rest of the story is history. Coming back to college also had a short fling with this guy but that is also history. As you can see I was a little more confident and I wasn't too afraid to look in the mirror or take pictures. 

My longest relationship lasted about three years and after that, I haven't dated anybody. You are probably thinking that it must have been such a bad breakup that's why I haven't dated since but to be honest with you. It was the cleanest break-up (You can read about it in one of my blogs). During my relationship, I had built my confidence, worked through my insecurities and had high self-esteem. In the relationship, I learned that I was worthy of love and that despite my flaws there are actually really great things about me. I also learned how I want to be treated by my future ... I learned what I liked, what I was willing to compromise and what I wasn't. I took everything that I learned and decided that I knew exactly what I wanted and I wasn't going to settle for less. 

For a lot of people being single is such a lonely period but for me, it has really just been a journey of discovery and redefining myself. It has been a roller coaster, I don't want to full you and make it seem like it is easy. It isn't easy. I occasionally long to watch a movie with someone, to spend some quality time with someone who is not just a friend or to simply have someone to share my dreams, goals, failures and successes with. Then I ask myself "What happens after that feeling is gone? Will you still want that person?" I have really learned to question my intentions and filter my emotions. There are so many reasons why I am still single and some people invalidate a lot of my reasons when I tell them but for me, these are all valid reasons. Before I tell you my reasons I heard somewhere that we so often think about what we want in a partner that we forget to become the right partner for someone else. So here it goes:

1. I am too busy

Many people have told that this is just an excuse. Yeah, it may be an excuse for some but for me, knowing the person that I am, I know that I am too be busy to give anybody the love and attention they need from me. I can multitask in many areas in my life but when it comes to work and relationships I can't compromise my relationships always end up being affected. At this point in my life, I am so focused on becoming financially stable and free that I prioritise my work and so often I don't make time for family, friends or any kind of relationship. My family and friends can testify to this. I know that if I were to date someone I would compromise my work to be part of the relationship.

2. I know what ai want but I also don't know what I want

Yeah, I am as confused as this point sounds. Sometimes I like the idea of marriage and kids and so many times I just don't think it is part of my plans. Right now I am not in a stable emotional or mental state to get involved with someone without purpose. I am at a stage where I need to be sure of every step I take and every step needs to be purposeful. so if I am not yet certain about marriage and children then I believe that I certainly shouldn't be mingling with anybody.

3. I am working on me

Sometimes it is hard to accept that we have flaws and shortcomings but I have come too far in my journey to be hiding the parts of me that I know I need to work on. Just this Sunday I was talking to a friend and he asked why I was single and I said to him that there are things I am working on. He asked me what and I told him. You know yourself better than anybody else and you should be able to pick up traits that may be detrimental to your relationships. I know that my countrolling, jealous and stubborn nature affect my friendships negatively and I don't want to have 100 failed romantic relationships because of things I could have worked on before stressing someone's child. I am not saying you have to be perfect but you need to be able to know your triggers and how to handle them. This is so that they don't become bombs that explode every relationship you have.

4. My high expectations

This is something I am working on. So often I lead myself to believe that I want someone like me. Someone that loves to have fun, go out, eat, cook, etc. Someone who is God-fearing and loves the Lord. The thing I need to realise is that I am always changing I need to be ready to be happy with a person who is also changing. Changing for the better that is. I can't expect to find someone exactly like me because I will get bored. I am someone who gets bored easily so I need someone that is full of surprises. I need to manage my expectations. 

There are some other reasons why I am single but I just wanted to share these ones for now. I have learned in my journey as a single woman that this is a time for me to work on myself. I need to work on becoming a woman that someone will be happy to call a wife. I need to know myself in order to teach my partner about me and in learning to know myself I will also learn to get to know someone else. 

Recently someone asked me, "Why don't you want to date me?" So I said, "It's not you specifically I just don't want to date anybody. I am not there right now. Relationships are not on my to-do list at the moment." There is so much I still have to accomplish by myself before I tie my dreams and goals to someone else's. That is something that I have noticed that many people struggle to understand. I have heard things like "You are 26, why are you single?", "Are you single because you don't like men? Are you playing for the other side but you haven't come out yet?", "Are you happy?", "Aren't you lonely?", etc. My answer is simply "No, no, no, no and loneliness is not a reason to be in a relationship. There are so many lonely people who are in relationships as well." That's besides that point.

My point is that singleness does not equal misery. I am not saying this to be mean but only insecure people with low-self esteem feel miserable when they are single. Only people who feel the need to be in a relationship to feel alive and loved can't fathom the idea of being single. Once you understand the freedom that comes with singleness you will only get into a relationship once you know that you will have the same freedom in that relationship.