Easy way out

"I can't move! I can't sit up! I can't walk!"

"Just try, keep trying. I know you can do it"

"I can't! It's too painful!"

Just like that, I had accepted my fate and gave up on my right leg as it had given up on me. This was not the first time I gave up on something in life. So many times when I found myself in a difficult situation my solution was wanting to die. I had convinced myself that the dead are better off and that I would be better off dead. 

According to the dictionary on google the 'easy way out' means 'extricating oneself from a difficult situation by choosing the simplest rather than the most honourable course of action.' In simple words, it means the easiest but not the best way of doing something, especially a way that does not involve much effort. We have all taken the easy way out at least once in our lives and there is no shame in that because some of live challenges can really take a toll on us.

I had just taken two days off work to travel to Pretoria, South Africa from Cape Town, South Africa. I was going to see my mother's gynaecologist as per her request. The reason I was going to visit the gynaecologist was to find a solution to my multifibroid uterus. (Read more about this in my blog post Challenges). When I got home in Pretoria on Thursday, 10 June 2021, I started feeling weird pain on my 16 year old appendicites scar (You can read about this in my blog posts Scars and Walking Miracle). I thought nothing of it. On Friday I went to my gynae appointment were my multi fibroid uterus was confirmed and options were presented to me. 

According to the gynae, the best option for a 26 years old, unmarried and childless young lady like me was to open up an old scar, get right to the uterus and cut out the monsters in me. He said I'd have to discuss it with someone before making a decision and call him once I have made up my mind so we can book an OR (Operation Room) and proceed with the procedure. Although, I was smiling as I tried to process the information the first thought on my mind was 'Wouldn't it be easier to just die!?' I mean really, I can't afford this procedure let alone staying at home 4-6 weeks to recover without working. "The dead are better off!"

I have a friend who always asks me, "Why do you want to die?" Or he would say, "You are too young to die. God still has so many plans for you." I  got to understand that I never really wanted to die. I love life and I enjoy living but sometimes I am just too weak to overcome or to go through some circumstances. I just feel like I can't do it. I don't have the strength to walk. I can't fight this fibroids. I can't afford to not work for a month. I keep telling myself that I can't and every cell in my body receives that message and puts it to action.

Recently, I was listening to one of the NCSA Mental Health Devotions by Nandi Flemmings and the title was That's not what I meant. In this devotion she speaks about how sometimes we want something but we are still not happy when we get it. How sometimes we ask for the complete opposite of what we want and need. She then related the story of prophet Elijah, you can find this story in 1 Kings 19. Like Elijah often we are tired and scared and our fear leads us to take the easy way out. 

Making decisions out of fear doesn't always yield the best results. We need to learn to set fear aside and not let it take control of our decision making process. Instead we should replace our fear with prayer. Pray that God will give you wisdom to make the right decision, pray that He guides your path, pray that He gives you strength and you can even just pray for Him to keep you calm.

I prayed because I needed to go to the toilet. I said, "Lord, I need to pee, so please get me out of this bed." After praying I tried to get out of bed with all the pain I was feeling. I managed to get outside the door and unfortunately, I fell and it was too painful to get up. I almost crawled to the toilet. For the first time, even though I was feeling excruciating pain I did not feel the need to die to get out of it. Jeremiah 17:14, "Heal me O LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise. Great gift idea to get for the one who is sick and place next to the bed stand."

If you don't know how to pray, you can start by using Jeremiah 17:14 as a guide and the Holy Spirit will do the rest. I know that the easy way out seems like the best option at times but you may miss the lessons you were meant to learn if you just endured. You may not come out as strong as you would have had you just persevered. I know now that I don't want to die and all that death talk was just me looking for an easy way out of my minor obstacles. I call them minor now but when I encountered them they were pretty huge and scary. 

The thing about challenges, illnesses, unemployment, or whatever obstacle you are facing is that they all look humongous when you first encounter them but once you pray and hand it over to the Lord everything looks minute, small and very possible to overcome. There is no easy way out with the Lord!