Denial

 After being visited by her mom who had just left her father, Maya is forced to face reality. 

"We weren't abused mom. Dad never hit us!" She screamed at her mother.

[Station 19 by Shonda Rhimes]

That's where all our lines get blurred when it comes to abuse. Many people still believe that beating someone until they are bruised is the only form of abuse. That needs to change. Many people grow up in abusive homes and stay in abusive relationships unknowingly. Everybody can hear your cry for help because you look oppressed, imprisoned and unhappy. 

So many times when people try to help. The abused will be in denial, angry and sometimes even offended. 

"Are you crazy! He/she loves me and will not hurt me." 

Yes, they love you but that doesn't mean that they can't hurt you. Some times the abuser may be unaware of their abusive nature or behaviour.

If they are not hitting you you they can be putting you down, making you feel like you are not enough or deprived of your basic needs and things or people that make you happy. If someone wants to control you and your life, that is taking away your power. Taking away someone's power is abuse. I would have never thought I was abused. Until I learned about mental and emotional abuse.

It is hard to believe that your family members and your friends can be abusers. It's difficult to fathom the idea that the people you love and you believe love you are abusing you. For me, it took some counselling sessions to realise why I felt like I wasn't good enough. The fact that I had to think hard to answer the question "Why do you think you are not good enough?", showed that I had some limiting believes of myself due to things that were said to me. Counsellors just happen to ask all the right questions to help someone realize the reasons for their limiting believes.

There are different types of abuse. Here are a few examples: physical, sexual, financial, digital, emotional and financial. have a look at two types of abuse that are not often recognised as abuse. Digital abuse, aka cyberbullying is the use of social media platforms or technology to stalk, intimidate or harass someone. Often people think they can ignore it, they block the abuser or that things will stop but it is important to remember that the abuser will go to all lengths to get what they want.

They will create fake accounts, turn people against you and even paint themselves as victims. In my movie Preposterous (feel free to follow the link and watch the movie on YouTube) I tell a true story in the attempt to create awareness and to help people understand what cyberbullying is. No matter what you did no one has the right to you your actions or decisions against you. We need to speak up against cyberbullying.

Emotional (mental) abuse, aka verbal abuse, is the use of words and non-physical behaviour to diminish, humiliate, threaten, insult, control and isolate someone. This type of abuse can be intentional and unconscious. Among friends, it can start as a joke that goes too far. Peer pressure is part of emotional abuse. Among family members in starts of with that slight comparison that makes one person feel less than the other or the neglect or lack of recognition for one's achievements.

In the series, Maya is a formed Olympic Medalist who was pushed by her father to be the best. Unfortunately, the praise and love her father gave her ended when she came second in a race because she wanted to help a friend who had fallen while running. Her father treated her like she didn't exist, deprived her of eating certain things and began to acknowledge her brother who was often neglected. The brain works in a fantastic way, it often suppresses memories or traumatic experiences that are too painful for us to deal with. Those traumas and memories can come rushing back once they are triggered.

Such experiences shape the way we communicate and relate to people. Abuse has control over people's lives for years. Even if the abuse stops the trauma locked in your brain controls how you think, how you feel. So those insecurities you have now are from years of being told you are incompetent, that you will amount to nothing in life and that you are worth nothing without someone else. The reason you can't say "I love you" is because every time you heard those words they were preceded or followed by don't wear that it makes you look fat, don't do that in public it's embarrassing or I can't take you with me because nobody is taking their spouses. 

I say this on one of my friends WhatsApp status and I think it fits in well with what I am saying. 

Although this refers to physical abuse the same can be applied to emotional abuse. We will never accuse our parents of emotional abuse because we call it 'discipline' or because of everything they have done for us. Yes, they have loved you, they put you through school, they fed, clothed and housed you. That doesn't excuse them from or the hurtful things they say to you. It does not give them a get out of jail card.

In summary, be aware of what you say to people (face to face or digitally), be brave enough to recognise when you are being abused. Speak up and Speak Out.