You Have A Part To Play

"You are where you are now because of the choices you made."

Lately, I have really been putting my life into perspective. I have been reflecting on the choices I made in the past that led me to where I am now.

Firstly, let me get you to where I am. Right now I find myself running away from the consequences of some bad choices that I made (I only realize they are bad choices now). I created problems that could have been avoided and I am stuck with traumas that wake me up in the night all sweaty and worrisome.

What I learned is that experience is a great teacher. Sometimes we may not learn the lesson immediately but you will surely learn a lesson.

For a very long time, I have blamed other people for my circumstances (many times I even blamed God). I was so busy playing the victim that I never took time to accept that I also had a part to play. My actions and reactions to the things that happened in my life impacted how things would end up. 

It is true that we do not have full control of our lives but we do have a part to play when it comes to decision making. Nobody chooses the circumstances they are born into or grow up in. For many, the circumstances affect their choices.

I was watching Paternity Court. For me, it is quite shocking and heartbreaking to see so many young people go to court not knowing who the father of their children is.  When asked why they find themselves in such a situation many of them say that it is because they grew up without a father or father figure.

One thing I have realized is that people often look for things they never had while growing up. Many times they find what they lack in situations or people that are not so favorable. In the one episode, the judge said: “You may have been made into a victim but you can choose to stop being a victim.” That really hit me, it made me realize that we often remain, victims of our circumstances, simply because we choose to or because we are too afraid of the unknown.

What we need to realize is that we are the main players in our own lives. Everybody else is busy playing their own life game. So as the main player of our lives we have the biggest part to play when it comes to decision making. Often we make selfish choices that are not good for us. When we realize our bad choices we feel bad and allow guilt to torment us. We become too afraid to face reality and to deal with the consequences of our choices. We run and hide for as long as we can. But unfortunately, we can’t run and hide forever. Eventually, everything catches up to you and you realize that things are worse than what it would have been if you had dealt with it earlier or better.

If you read my posts 'Misunderstood'  and 'Family vs Relatives' you will know that I do not have the best relationship with my relatives. I can't seem to have a relationship with the very people I grew up with and afforded me the opportunity to be where I am now. For a long time, I blamed them and never really took the time to think of the role I had to play in all of these. Through some self-introspection and therapy, I began to realize that I had a big role to play in this messy situation. The way I reacted and the choices I made led me to be unable to get past my guilt. I made a lot of mistakes and disappointed my parents. 

So often we allow our past and our guilt to take control of our present and future. We really don't have to. To prove that our circumstances don't have to be the determiners of our fate let's look at a little story. This is about two different people who are in similar circumstances but react to those circumstances differently. The circumstance is they both grew up with a single parent and in poverty. Their moms had to work two jobs to make sure she could put food on the table and because of this they barely had time to spend with our main characters. Having no father or father figure in their lives was very difficult. 

Let's have a look at how Rose's choices led her to where she is now. Since there was no man to teach her how a man should treat a woman and because she longed to be loved and taken care of. Rose started dating at a very young age. She often fell for the type of guy that matched the characteristics she looked for in a father but for some reason, it never lasted. At the age of sixteen, she got pregnant but did not know who the father of her child was. Her mother was supportive because she blamed herself for not being around and for her daughter growing up without a father. Nonetheless Rose continued to seek the love she so longed to get from a father in men that were not good enough for her and that did not treat her like she deserved. Rose is now 25-years-old, works two jobs to sustain her three kids, all from different fathers.

May saw how hard her mother had to work to put food on the table. She also longed to have a man in her life that matched the characteristics she would expect her father to have. Her mother's struggles motivated her to work hard and to get herself and her mom out of their poverty-stricken situation. She had many guys who would ask her out and would want to make her their girlfriends but because she had decided that she did not want her children to grow up like her, with just one parent she chose to focus on other things. She knew that she would meet a man that would love her enough to stay. She does not resent her father for leaving or her mother for the choices she may had been forced to make, but she wanted better for her children. May is now 25-years-old, she is in a serious relationship with a man that understands her story and loves her enough to not want to repeat the cycle. 

Although I made up these stories they based on some real facts. Many of us get into circumstances we did not choose and it is through our choices that we can survive and change our fate. We need to realize that is is not the circumstances that make us who we are but the way we react to our circumstances. Remember that "the same water that softens the potato hardens the egg." You chose whether you are the potato or the egg. 

Take some time to reflect on your own life, the choices you have made and the part you had to play in a situation you may be unhappy with.