Hurt people hurt People

"People will often hurt you while trying to not lose you."

The English teacher in me is literally screaming to be given the stage just so she can open the show. In response to her cry, I shall leave the stage and leave the introduction of this blog to her. 

When you saw the title you probably thought it was a typo. It's not a typo! Now you are probably asking why would she write the title like that? In order to make this clear let's dust off our old English textbooks and prepare for the lesson. In the first part 'Hurt people', the word hurt is an adjective it is describing the noun (people). So in this sentence, the people are hurt. In the second sentence 'hurt People', the word hurt is a verb. This shows that an action is being done to the people.

Now that we have cleared that up let's get right into the topic. Many people in this world are hurt or hurting and may not know about it. They may have been hurt by people, their circumstances, or their choices. Some of these people don't know that they are hurting and because of that, they are not aware of the effects their pain has on the people around them. 

I was speaking to a friend recently and we were just having one of our many thought-provoking discussions. This time we were talking about unconscious behavior and/or reactions that may sabotage us. He was telling that he never thought that he had 'issues' or insecurities until he started noticing a certain behavior that he deemed unnecessary. Since I cannot share my friend's story with you I will give you two illustrations. 

Before we get to our illustrations let's just have a look at some reasons people may get hurt or be hurting. 

1. Some people may have grown up in an abusive (physical, emotional, or mental) home. 
2. Some may have grown up in homes where they never felt welcome, loved, or validated. 
3. Some live with the fear of loss because they have lost so much.
4. Some have an internal struggle with identity, self-esteem, and self-love.

Most people are not aware of how their circumstances affect them internally. We are all carrying around traumas and insecurities that we are not aware of. Coming back to the chat with my friend, he said something that I could totally relate to. We only realize we have insecurities when we take time to reflect on the things we say and do. This is where our illustrations will fit perfectly. 

Sam is a 35-year-old man who has worked hard to make something of himself. He has a good job, a stable salary, and good friends but he can't seem to make any girl he has ever been with happy. They all end up leaving because of his overbearing behavior. Sam is not aware that he is overbearing or at least he does not understand why all these women think he is overbearing. We need to have a look at Sam's background to understand why he is this way. Growing up the men in his family always told him how weak he was and how he would never be a real man. Growing up hearing such words led Sam to become someone that had to prove to the men in his family that he was not weak. Since that is all he knew he would take that into his relationships and end up ruining them. 

Julia grew up seeing her parents argue and often locked herself in her room so she would not see the end of the argument. She often thought that one day she would lose the family she loved so much. She decided that whenever she started dating she did not want her relationships to be like that of her parents. She associated arguments or conflicts to the end of relationships. She has been in and out of many relationships and never understood why they ended when all she did was avoid arguments or conflict. Whenever she felt an argument rising she walked away and dismissed her partner. 

Both Sam and Julia have insecurities that they are not aware of and in the attempt to save or keep their relationships they end up hurting the people they love. When we do not work through the things that hurt us we end up hurting the people we love. It is not easy to recognize our pain but that is the first step. Take a moment to think of something you say or do but you don't understand why. That thing that you just thought of that is your pain, that is what hurts you and what may cause you to hurt others. 

We often see others or ourselves going in and out of relationships and we don't understand why we just can't seem to find the right person. Remember that we are not looking for the perfect person (If you have not read my post 'Perfect or Right' I suggest you check it out). It may be that we are hurt people hurting people. Don't blame yourself and don't be dismayed there is hope for you. Here are a few steps that may help you get out of this vicious cycle:

• The first step is to recognize that we all have insecurities. 
• Next, try to identify the cause of your insecurity and the trigger. 
• Then, make a conscious decision to change that behavior.
• Lastly, if you can't do it on your own seek either professional help or help from people who have been through it. 

It will take time, some reflection, and strength to deal with your pain. You are strong and if you put your mind to it you will come out stronger. I want to end off with this quote:

"It takes a strong person to sit with themselves, calm their storms, and heal their past traumas without trying to bring someone else into that chaos."