Know Your Worth

"If you know your worth, no one will hurt you enough to leave you broken and hopeless."

Erica Mateus

I have been wanting to compose a blog about this for a long time because it is something I have and am still struggling with. I know there are so many people out there walking around feeling like they are worthless like they don't deserve to be loved and feeling so empty. From my own personal experience, I can say that the feeling of worthlessness is the worst feeling because it makes you sell yourself cheap. Sounding too deep? Let me break it down for you.

What makes a person feel worthless?

There are many reasons it may be that they grew up having to complete for people's attention. It may be that they have been hurt so much that they believe that it's their fault, I mean who else's fault could it be when you are the common denominator... It may just be self-inflicted insecurity simply caused by the thing we all do, comparing ourselves to others. Whatever the reason for your feeling of worthlessness you know that you believe that you will never be good enough. I am going to be quite personal on this blog and talk about myself. 

So let's begin. I have not really been able to pinpoint exactly what caused such insecurities and feeling like I am not good enough. I do remember that I have felt like this most of my life. This has had both positive and negative impacts on my life and my relationships. You see I believed that I wasn't good enough to be loved, why would anybody love me when I couldn't even love myself. I created a fear of losing people that I think is irrational, so irrational that it caused me to be jealous even of my friends. I couldn't bear the thought of my friends being closer to their other friends then they were to me. Anyways we all have our flaws and dark sides.

I lived life taking calculated risks when it came to building relationships. I could never really trust anybody completely (you probably already know this from reading my trust issues blog) so I kept my friends close with a distance. Like a safety net. So obviously this was worse with romantic relationships. Whenever a guy would tell that they liked me, I would ask so many questions. "You like me? Are you sure? There is really nothing to like about me. I am a mess. I am incapable of loving or allowing myself to be loved. I will hurt you." I had all the excuses in the book to try and convince someone about their feelings. It really hit me when someone once said to me "Erica, you are so much better than what you think of yourself. You just need to let yourself realize it. Allow yourself to see what others see in you." That brought me to tears and I am crying right now just recalling those words. Everything is easier said than done, I still can't see the great people see in me.

This feeling of worthlessness leaves me feeling empty and sometimes even lonely. I posted a picture of the goals I set in 2017 and one of the goals was "to be more confident". One of my friends replied saying, "You were always so confident!" I said to her that was me personifying 'Fake it till you make it.' I didn't always succeed in being confident and when the feeling of emptiness lurked in; it led me to make stupid choices that filled that emptiness temporarily but left me more empty once the euphoria passed. You see when you are feeling lonely and empty you will be open to any idea that may just take you out of the dark whole even if it is just for a split second. Let me take myself out of the picture for a while and give you an illustration to help you understand this concept of worthlessness.

Meet Aliyah, an 18-year-old girl whose father is married to a woman who is not her mother. Since her mother could not afford to take care of her Aliyah lives with her dad and stepmother who have kids of their own. She had to fight to 

get some alone time and attention from her father all her life. She grew up thinking that she had done something wrong. How could her own father not have a few moments just for her? To make things worse her father always gave her gifts to compensate for the fact that he wasn't around much. She feels lonely, unloved, and quite empty. All she wants is to fill that empty space inside her. One day she met an older man who reminded her of her father the only difference was that this man had time for her. So to fill the empty space her father left she began seeing this older man. She felt good when she was with him but once he left she felt like she had just dug a hole and fallen deeper into the pit.

You may be reading this and thinking she is stupid or how can she be dumb? I agree that it is not the right way to solve her problem but she doesn't know better her feeling of wanting to mean something to someone is greater than her logic.

Back to me, I have also done some irrational things but nothing too drastic. But what I have learned and what I want you to take take away from this blog is that nobody and nothing will take away your feeling of worthlessness and emptiness. Fortunately or unfortunately that is a battle you will have to fight with the help of God. You, like my friend, said, not to allow yourself to see how great you are. We need to stop beating ourselves down and stop believing that we are not good enough. Not good enough for what? Not good enough to be alive? Not good enough to be loved? Not good enough to see your worth?

Girl, boy you are so much more than you think of yourself. You are meant for greater things than you can imagine. You matter! You are worth every breath and every sweat. I would say look at yourself in the mirror but mirrors are not good enough to reflect your grandeur. I am speaking to you and to me. Let us work on acknowledging our worth, let's stop selling ourselves cheap just to have our emptiness filled a little.

We are so much more than we can fathom!