Friend Zone

"Friendship is the beginning of every good relationship."

The term friendzone was popularised in 1994. What it simply means is that one person in the friendship wants more than just friendship. That is completely normal after all there must be something that has kept your friendship going. Let's get a better understanding of this concept through a real-life experience of mine. 

At some point in my life, I realized that girls came with a lot of unnecessary drama and being an avoidant person I decided that I was better off being friends with the guys. Most of my teenage years my circle of friends comprised of guys, I had a few female friends at school. Being friends with the opposite sex has many benefits, for example, you can study the opposite sex to try and understand them, you can get dating tips, get advice from a different perspective, etc. I am sure you know some more benefits. Anyways I had this friend many years ago whom I could really just talk to. I would tell him about all the boys that would hit on me, all the guys that I ever had feelings for, we would talk about our days, family, there was no limit to our conversations. He would visit me and I would visit him, we would go out and I really enjoyed his company. I remember when I was in the 12th grade, we spoke about prom partners and he said to me "If you can't find anyone, I will go with you!" He really had my back and I had his. I valued our friendship so much that I did not see the signs (or I chose to ignore them) that he had feelings for me. His feelings were so visible that my family and our mutual friends knew about it. I really did see it too but I wanted to preserve the friendship, so I did not go to prom with him because I did not want to give him the wrong idea.

One day we were on another one of our late night long calls and he just decided to open up to me and tell me how he felt. All I said to him was that he had all the qualities I would want in a boyfriend but I was just not ready to date. He also mentioned how it would hurt him every time I told him about a guy that hit on me or a guy that I liked. After that, I began to be more reserved and filtering the things I shared with him. After I matriculated (graduated high school) I took a gap year. In that gap year, I spent a lot of quality with my mom and we would make decisions about which church to worship in together. My mom had a friend that lived in the same estate (complex) as my friend, so whenever I wanted to visit him my mom would visit her friend. That was the same year I had my cyst removed and my friend was very caring and supportive just through the year. Sometime mid-year we were talking about what I was going to do the following year. I was moving to a whole new province for college. He wasn't too happy about that because he would miss. He also asked me if I had changed my mind about how I felt about dating. Instead of me just saying "no" I said, "You are really a great guy and any girl that dates you is lucky." He said he would love if that girl were me. I said, "I am moving to a whole new province and I don't think that would work out." To cut a long story short our friendship was not the same. After I moved we would still speak but one day I just realized that we were just not friends anymore. Till this day I really miss my friend.

How do people enter the friend zone?

1. You are friends with someone and your feelings are completely platonic until you get to know the person better and things change. 
2. You like this person from the beginning and you use friendship to get close to them but then you take too long to reveal your feelings and miss your train.
3. You reveal your feelings from the beginning, the other person doesn't feel the same but strings you along.
4. You reveal how you feel, the other person does not feel the same but you are convinced that you can change their mind so you become their friend.

When people of the opposite sex are friends it's always good to make things clear, that doesn't mean that you will be immune to catching feelings but at least it will protect you from stringing someone along or being strung. I really wished that I was just straightforward with my friend instead of stringing him along, maybe things would have been different. 

How to avoid the friend zone?

1. Be clear about your feelings from the beginning.
2. Accept the other person feelings.
3. It won't be easy but if the other person doesn't feel the same, move on, you won't change their mind. (unless you will, I will explain this on another post).
4. If your feelings change, don't take too long to tell the other person. 
5. Learn to be open and honest with yourself and others.

We are emotional beings with no control over how we feel. As much as you can try to not fall for a friend if your heart pumps faster whenever you see them smile it's going to keep pumping faster. It's not a crime to have feelings for your friends. It becomes a problem when you can't accept that the other person doesn't feel the same. 

But if you are already in the friend zone:

1. Take time to decide if you really want to be with the other person.
2. Consider if the relationship is going to be beneficial for both parties.
3. Ask yourself if your friendship is worth the risk.
4. If you have been friends with this person for so long you should know if they feel the same.

Whatever decision you make has advantages and disadvantages. Be prepared to accept the consequences of your choice. If you happen to be 'the other person' don't string someone along, be honest at all times and let them down gently or ask them why they made you wait so long to be a part of their lives. In this game of emotions, the heart holds the controller and nobody is your enemy.